低谷裡的三種偏誤│Sheryl Sandberg’s Berkeley Speech

 

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雙重悲傷 

Sheryl的老公過世之後,她的反應就和其他人一樣,Sheryl回去翻老公的病例,想著當時怎麼沒發現老公有心臟病,想著是不是多做幾項檢查事情就會不一樣了?

十天之後,她回Facebook上班,在一個例行的會議裡,她突然覺得,很茫然。’

這些人到底在討論什麼,這些事情怎麼可能重要呢?

接著好幾個月,不管做什麼事情,她都能感受到心裡有很深很深的痛,而且越來越糟糕。

Sheryl說,今天你很難過,可是當你發現,原來自己處在這麼悲慘的狀態,你就更難過了,當你發現自己很悲痛的時候,悲痛就更劇烈了,

Sheryl把這種重複的打擊稱為「雙重悲傷」,一個人可能因此一直被困在低谷裡。

三個心理傾向

後來Sheryl去找心理學家求助,這位心理學家研究了人們遇到困難,會有什麼反應。

他發現主要有三種,也是這三種心理傾向,使得人們很難走出傷痛,而Sheryl三種反應都有,

首先,她回去找病例,後悔當初怎麼沒做更多的檢查,這就是第一種傾向:

自責,認為一切都是自己的錯

然後,她覺得一切生活都失去意義,這就是第二種傾向:

延伸,把悲傷延伸的生活的每個角落

最後,她認為悲傷將會一直下去,這就是第三種傾向:

持續,認為自己會痛苦一輩子

面對死亡,我們時常有這三種反應:自責、延伸和持續,既然這三種心理傾向,使我們走不出來,那麼我們就應該盡量避免。

日常的錯誤

其實生活中我們也時常會犯這三個毛病。

老闆說:「你怎麼連這個報告都做不好?」你也許會覺得自己好像一無是處,這就是延伸,其實你可能只是不會做報告而已。

你失戀了,和她分手,除了難受,可能還覺得一輩子走不出來了,這就是持續,

回往過去,尋找分手的原因,你後悔當初為什麼有這樣或那樣的舉止,這就是自責。

Sheryl知道這三個心理傾向之後,她也終於能夠慢慢走出來。

當她開始和同事討論工作,就在那一瞬間,她突然忘記悲傷,她想到自己沒這麼慘,她有一份自己認同的工作,她沒有經濟壓力,孩子也一天一天不那麼難過了。

她想到如果連醫生都檢查不到心臟,那麼她肯定也不行。

她知道除了發現自己很難過之外,還得承認一切終將變淡

自責、延伸、持續

面對死亡、面對悲傷,我們應該極力避免的這三種傾向。

當然,除了避免錯誤,還有一些事情,值得我們直接去做。

我的評論

Sheryl提到的三個心理偏誤,在英文裡面剛好都是英文字母P開頭,所以也被簡稱為3P,讓大家更好記憶。

分別是Personal (自責) , Pervasive (延伸), Permanent (持續) 。

最近Sheryl出了一本新書《Option B》,裡面所講的主題,剛好就是Berkeley畢業致詞的內容,得到的萬維剛也正好在解讀這本書。

文章裡在介紹自責時,有一句話我特別喜歡:

一件事情發生在你身上,並不一定是因為你而發生。

Sheryl曾經有個朋友,在參加完聚會之後,開車回家的路上剛好遇到同事也需要搭車,朋友就順便載了他。

想不到對方拿出武器威脅,在車上強暴了她。

雖然後來報案,這位同事也被抓起來,但是Sheryl的朋友受到很大的創傷,反覆質疑自己,為什麼當初要順便載他。

Sheryl剛知道3P的理論,安慰這位朋友,載同事回家這件事情沒有錯,錯的是對方心懷不軌,她不需要為此自責。


至於延伸,如此抽象的概念,也不是很好記得,萬維剛用了一個更具體的詞──全方位。

沒有什麼打擊是全方位的,生活被挫折撞出一個洞,但思想把這個洞無限延伸。

也許一開始不過就像皮膚破了一個傷口,我們也會覺得那是個黑洞,會把所有的光吸進去。

很多壓力都是我們自己施加的,在面對死亡和挫敗時更是如此,這也是Sheryl提到的「雙重悲傷」。

讓悲傷更加悲傷的,往往是我們自己;把自己困在黑暗裡,不是因為門被鎖上,而是我們自己把燈關掉,覺得一切再也沒有希望。

所以時常提醒自己,沒有什麼打擊是全方位的,不要輕易把燈關掉。


而關於持續的偏誤,萬維剛則引用了俄國詩人普希金寫的《假如生活欺騙了你》。

寫這首詩的時候,普希金因為一些諷刺政治的詩,而被流放到俄國南方,對滿懷抱負的他,受到諸多限制和監視,也是很大的打擊。

但他在詩裡面寫到:

假如生活欺騙了你
不要悲傷,不要心急
憂鬱的日子裡需要鎮靜

相信吧,快樂的日子將會來臨

心兒永遠向往著未來
現在卻常是憂鬱。

一切都是瞬息,一切終將會過去
而那些過去了的,就會成為親切的懷念。

「一切都是瞬息,一切終將過去」我想對緩減持續偏誤,這是一個好註記。

 

於是,3P原則,我們可以各用一句話,增加自己的記憶,提醒自己。

自責:發生在你身上的事,不一定是因為你而發生。

延伸:沒有全方位的打擊,不要輕易把燈關掉。

持續:一切都是瞬息,一切終將過去

 

今日思考

最近有遇到什麼挫折和不順的事情嗎? 試著用3P原則,提醒自己不要落入心裡偏誤,並重新打起精神,繼續向前。

 

聽原音

9:51 ~ 16:37

本文內容從9分51秒開始,到16分37秒。(字幕連結)

As a representative of Silicon Valley, I’m pleased to tell you there is data to learn from. After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist Martin Seligman found that there are three P’s—personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence—that are critical to how we bounce back from hardship.

The seeds of resilience are planted in the way we process the negative events in our lives.

The first P is personalization—the belief that we are at fault. This is different from taking responsibility, which you should always do. This is the lesson that not everything that happens to us happens because of us.

When Dave died, I had a very common reaction, which was to blame myself. He died in seconds from a cardiac arrhythmia. I poured over his medical records asking what I could have—or should have—done.

It wasn’t until I learned about the three P’s that I accepted that I could not have prevented his death. His doctors had not identified his coronary artery disease. I was an economics major; how could I have?

Studies show that getting past personalization can actually make you stronger. Teachers who knew they could do better after students failed adjusted their methods and saw future classes go on to excel. College swimmers who underperformed but believed they were capable of swimming faster did.

Not taking failures personally allows us to recover—and even to thrive.

The second P is pervasiveness—the belief that an event will affect all areas of your life. You know that song “Everything is awesome?” This is the flip: “Everything is awful.” There’s no place to run or hide from the all-consuming sadness.

The child psychologists I spoke to encouraged me to get my kids back to their routine as soon as possible. So ten days after Dave died, they went back to school and I went back to work. I remember sitting in my first Facebook meeting in a deep, deep haze. All I could think was, “What is everyone talking about and how could this possibly matter?” But then I got drawn into the discussion and for a second—a brief split second—I forgot about death.

That brief second helped me see that there were other things in my life that were not awful. My children and I were healthy. My friends and family were so loving and they carried us—quite literally at times.

The loss of a partner often has severe negative financial consequences, especially for women. So many single mothers—and fathers—struggle to make ends meet or have jobs that don’t allow them the time they need to care for their children.

I had financial security, the ability to take the time off I needed, and a job that I did not just believe in, but where it’s actually OK to spend all day on Facebook. Gradually, my children started sleeping through the night, crying less, playing more.

The third P is permanence—the belief that the sorrow will last forever. For months, no matter what I did, it felt like the crushing grief would always be there.
We often project our current feelings out indefinitely—and experience what I think of as the second derivative of those feelings. We feel anxious—and then we feel anxious that we’re anxious. We feel sad—and then we feel sad that we’re sad.

Instead, we should accept our feelings—but recognize that they will not last forever. My rabbi told me that time would heal but for now I should “lean in to the suck.” It was good advice, but not really what I meant by “lean in.”

None of you need me to explain the fourth P…which is, of course, pizza from Cheese Board.

But I wish I had known about the three P’s when I was your age. There were so many times these lessons would have helped.

Day one of my first job out of college, my boss found out that I didn’t know how to enter data into Lotus 1-2-3. That’s a spreadsheet—ask your parents. His mouth dropped open and he said, ‘I can’t believe you got this job without knowing that”—and then walked out of the room. I went home convinced that I was going to be fired. I thought I was terrible at everything… but it turns out I was only terrible at spreadsheets. Understanding pervasiveness would have saved me a lot of anxiety that week.

I wish I had known about permanence when I broke up with boyfriends. It would’ve been a comfort to know that feeling was not going to last forever, and if I was being honest with myself… neither were any of those relationships.

And I wish I had understood personalization when boyfriends broke up with me. Sometimes it’s not you—it really is them. I mean, that dude never showered.
And all three P’s ganged up on me in my twenties after my first marriage ended in divorce. I thought at the time that no matter what I accomplished, I was a massive failure.

The three P’s are common emotional reactions to so many things that happen to us—in our careers, our personal lives, and our relationships. You’re probably feeling one of them right now about something in your life. But if you can recognize you are falling into these traps, you can catch yourself. Just as our bodies have a physiological immune system, our brains have a psychological immune system—and there are steps you can take to help kick it into gear.

相關閱讀

人生谷底,怎麼辦│Notes of Lives

參考資料

(1)  得到專欄 萬維剛‧精英日課《日課183│假如生活打擊了你》

(2) 為愛而生的男人:俄國詩人普希金的文學與愛情

 

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